Beamers CC (142 all out) lost to The Village (146 for 4) by 6 wickets

Beamers CC won the toss and elected to bat

We are an ancient species powered by lighting dinosaurs on fire.

Location: Norf Landan. An exceptionally Pretty Cricket Ground which played host to two simultaneous games.
Time: 13:00 Commencement period.
Weather: Go Global Warming. 26 Degrees Celsius. 78 Degrees Fahrenheit. Sweaty.
Match Report: In response to feedback, player ratings have been simplified & the Haiku Remains.


Some like it hot, not
Village keeps streaking, Ed Ahead
Sesh good. Cradle.

Player Grades:
1) Cressy. Bowling: 0 Batting: 1 Captaincy: 1
2) James De Father. Batting: 1 Bowling: 0 Keeping: 1
3) EK. Batting: 1 Bowling: 1
4) Tupper. Batting: 0 Bowling: 1
5) Pitcher. Batting: 1 Bowling: 0
6) Nick PYT. Batting: 1 Bowling: 0
7) Troggar (TCFKAT). Batting: 0 Bowling: 1
8) Pitcher. Batting: 1 Bowling: 0
9) Anupam (TITS). Bowling: 1 Batting: 0
10) Tom Hunter (Austalianus Loosius Cuntus). Batting: 1 Bowling: 1
11) Archit (Archer, dangerzone, Joffra). Bowling: 1 Batting: 0
INTRO TO GAME: On an unpleasantly hot September day the Village had been forced by elective stupidity to travel to the farthest reaches of London Cricket Clubs. Whilst the midweek had been spent ensuring the den (gambling) was as hot as the day we had to play, we would soon encounter the full force of Nuclear Energy which powers our nearest Sun. I wouldn't normally take the time to express how far North this was, but John Snow considered it unacceptably outside of a comfort zone. However, with minimal preparation I commenced my journey to the outer reaches of the Piccadilly line. Considering the heat, my method of transportation was the 2nd worst form of transportation after decapitation catapult, but at least that would have provided a view. In a strange turn of events I encountered a random Pitcher fresh from selling/loaning cricket kit to an equally random team on the nearby ground. Fresh from his haggling we entered the crucible of cricket. Greeting us would be the sight of the Christmas Carol of Villagers. The Past, Paul Bowman. The Present, The Selected XI. & The Future, Our soon to be sweaty bodies. Ignoring standard protocol, the Village had already commenced fielding practice with an unusual energy.  El glorioso capitán de la maravilla Cressy eventually strode forth to gamble away the fate of the Villagers present.
Beamers Innings:

Having accepted the role of fate in his decision making, El Gran Almirante de la Gloria Cressy made ready his valiant cricketers. However, there was a short pause, as James De Papa was looking for his hat. Hat found, the Village commenced bowling. With Options upon Options, Generalísimo Cressy opted to let Tupper & Tom, the T&T connection, open the bowling. Having been buttered up by the Aussie the night before, he would be sure to hope for a response. Tupper opened from the Shady end of the pitch (Shady as in out of the sun and also equipped with a bench. Not Shady as in, he recently went to a sex party which was shady.) Starting with a tight 4th stump line, he would bowl economically throughout his spell. From the Hot end of the pitch, Austalianus Loosius Cuntus started sharply as well, drawing an edge which put down. A hard and fast chance which would remain, remarkably, the only dropped catch of the innings (SPOILER ALERT). With Verity & Nietschke facing the hard charging openers & with great reserves of bowling to come the Village would be looking for more than chances. With the T&T connection working their magic, there were no runs, only extras to start off. However in the 4th over, Tom struck. A good delivery beating Nietshke for 3. Bowled.  With Gilo keeping the pressure on, Austalianus repeated the trick. Rocking Lewis's Middle Stump clean out of the ground. Bowled for only 4. After 8 overs, Beamers were stuck at a lowly 18-2. However, this brought the always dangerous Pittman to the crease. The Village, on a day some liked hot, were keeping their morale high with encouraging chat. With the T&T connection flagging, Pittman flashes a couple of Gilo deliveries to the boundary whilst also attacking Loosius. Neither deserved the treatment but the Batter was looking in great touch. After 10 the score stood at 35-2. And both openers were replaced. Gilo 5-15-0. Tom 5-19-2.
This brought late replacement Archer (Dangerzone) & Ek (Going for bowling award) into the attack. Facing the ever dangerous Pittman & the well set Verity, it would be a hard task. Archer, replacing Gilo, bowled his usual right arm around, looking to create the chances he always does, he was sadly greeted by attacking batters as the Beamers looked to accelerate. Coming into the game there was a hard fought battle between EK & Eddie for the much coveted bowling trophy. EK started ahead & was looking to cement his advantage with both unlikely for the final game of the season. Sadly he had been sold a pup by maravilla dorada Cressy. Having to bowl to the most dangerous of the Head High Full Tosses (Beamers) batters they sadly attacked his line, length & figure. It was a hard spell for EK, unable to setle into his rhythm he would finish with 4-32. At the other end with both batsmen continuing the assault on dignity & our bowling, the game took apace. From 35-2 off 10. The score had rocketed to 95 off 18. Remarkably, the Village stayed positive. With good emotionally support (Chat) we were still in it. Remarkably the impossible happened. archer ARcher ARCHER had switched to over the wicket. An event equivilant to the moon landings, he delivered the ball. It was clipped hard & fast. Sadly for the excellent Pittman, it was Hard & Fast to the only Villager for it. Pitcher snaffled a great catch & it was game on. Pittman out for 55.
Cressy, señor supremo, shuffled the deck of bowling options and came up Troggar. The Leggy replacing the unfortunate EK. Starting with a Rip & a Kick, the leggy made his presence known. Bowling with the fury of an Ozzie with wickets to take, he dismissed the set batter Verity for 26. Bowled. With (I have something for this) replaced after 6-40-1. Eddie was called into the chaos. Eddie was looking to grab as many wickets as possible (so was every bowler you idiot...) to give him the best chance of the coveted Award in Excellence in the Field of Bowling for the Village. Finding his line & length immediately, he started tying up the batsmen. Troggar then dispatched Howeld, bowled through a wild swing for 0. Whilst Eddie drew level with EK by drawing James into an immodest charge and swipe which only found dios intelectual Cressy at cover. Gone for 13. With the Spinners grabbing hold of the game for the Village, Troggar continued his spell of dominance, Pugh Caught EK Bowled Troggar for 0. With a wicket in each of his first 3 overs the bearded JdM lookalike was in the zone. The zone being, 3-1-3, a frankly ridiculous spell. If there was respite for the Beamers, Eddie wasn't going to grant it. Finding turn and his metronomic length, the noose tightened.

With tomador de decisiones Cressy panicking about having to use all the bowlers available, the bearded wonder (not Eddie) was pulled from the attack. Troggar 5-8-3. Normally this would mean some degree of easing of the punishment. However, the bowler replacing Troja was Anupam. The previously excellent opening bowler being relegated to mop up duty. Not downbeat, he would find movement where others only found bat. With the Beamers on the ropes but with the dangerous & positive batsmen Verity (son of) looking to keep the score ticking. Anupam (TITS) produced the delivery of the day. Getting seam movement away, he categorically bowled Verity (son of). Sending the off stump cartwheeling with REDACTED. Verity was Bowled for 16. A most wonderous delivery, with spectacular and deserved results. With TRC also holding firm. The beamers were soon skittled off 34 overs. All out for 142. Eddie convincing EK to take a good catch at Mid-off to remove Langley for 2, whilst also James de Making Toby An Uncle getting a catch to remove Edney for 8 off Eddie's bowling. Eddie 6.5-17-3. TITS 3-9-1.

INTERMISSIO: Jerk. Chickin. Was a fight about how much Jerk we paid for but the other team realised that in a game of Cricket there are plenty of Jerks.


With plenty of bowling options there comes a downside. How drunk is your Australian? How trigger happy are your umpires? How many words can I write? Considering the previous few innings,  Líder de dioses Cressy let Nick-PYT and James de Uncle Maker open. Within this period of time, the classic Villager Bosh had occurred. With the option of a trained umpire and Bosh, Gilo & Bosh made their way to the crease to take charge.
Opening up for the Beamers would be Verity (son of). Bowling at express pace, he would constrict the Village from one end. Doubling down on the Verity quota, Verity would also open the bowling. Verity senior started well. Bowling right arm seam up he would look to try and keep the game close. Both Openers began in a measured fashion. Working away the loose balls where they came, the partnership began. Having had previous success of the highest order the Village was looking well set. Verity (son of) bowled his heart out. Generating good pace and occasional movement he would be pushing the Villagers hard. However, with the Left/Right combo the Village began to make inroads. With N-PYT looking well set and James de Father fronting down the hard charging Verity (son of.) the Village meandered towards 51 off 9. With Verity Snr having finished unfortunately for 4-35 (A good LBW shout in there...). the Beamers Skipper Pittman turned to Edney.
Edney, bowling classical Old man spinners, would soon strike. Bowling wide of the crease he convinced Nick-PYT to miss a ball. Out. Pitched outside. Hit in front of off/middle & off. Hitting middle/middle & leg. With a clear gap between bat & ball the La Furia Roja would have to depart for 22 (Permanent Record. Muthafucka!!!). This brought the elevated Pitcher to the crease. Having to face the pumped and angry Verity Jnr, he would be asked questions. However, both batters worked the deliveries well, & with the Beamers chatting about how neither wanted to face, they dealt with the challenge well. With Ralph continuing, Pitcher got stuck in. Smiting a glorious cover drive, he looked set for a score. Sadly, instantly after that shot, he stepped back and managed to get bowled. Out for 6. The Village were now rocked for 60-2.
This brought El Capitano Rubio's favourite to the crease. Austalianus would be looking to take advantage of his elevated position and also his pipes (arms. apparently. Australian language...) crouching & alert like a man after a 8 hour bender he would begin his watch. However, with James de Born On The 20th setting his stall out for the batting trophy (award for the most excellent accumulation of runs in contribution of scoring for the village trophy), we still had a chance of getting the runs we required. However, with Verity (Son of) having come to the end of his spell. He would have to adapt to the new Bowlers.
With Langley coming into the attack to replace the excellent P Verity (son of) 6-12, the set batsman, James de Brother Is Watching Showers, climbed into a half-volley. Sadly for the languid lefty, he smacked it into a scared fielder who held on. Gone for a solid 23. This brought the REDACTED Cressy into bat. With his niño dulce at the other, the Líder maravilloso would look to rebuild the Village innings. With the aim of getting to drinks without further loss, the Village dug in. However, Langley was getting consistent away movement and Ralph was hitting all the right lengths. It seemed as if the Beamers (Head High Full Tosses) were getting back into the game. Dios dorado Cressy was guiding the way. However Austalianus Loosius Cuntus missed the opportunity to score off of Langley. Bowled by a moving ball for a 13 ball duck. The Hungover Loosius had nearly taken the Village to drinks. This brought the Bowling Award (Award in Excellence in the Field of Bowling for the Village) contender EK to the crease. Having not seen the glorious sight of a cricket pitch in a while. He needed to make up for missed opportunities.

Drinks came and went with the village on 95-4. Chasing 143, the game was finely poised. With a couple of wickets Beamers could be into the Village Tail. Or would the tail have a sting...tonto rubio Cressy and EK neeed to find something. Without Runs, it would be a mistake. Langley and Ralph (Conqueror of Thomo) would continue for a bit. However at this point, Cressy and EK began to find the rope. With the Run rate already managable, the wristy EK pumped 8 of 10 scoring shots to the boundary. Having watched EK lead the way Torpe Cressy followed suit, batting in a manner which suggested he learned the sport from kamikaze pilots who masqueraded as cricket coaches, he began to free his arms. With multiple games taking place on neighbouring pitches, the payaso rubio began threatening the life and limb of nearby players. smiting 6 after 6. The required total shrank considerably. As Pittman juggled his bowlers he sent in, in the manner that bits of bread are sent into a pond to deal with ducks, Wood, Pugh & James. a bad law firm at best, but not sadly restrictive bowlers. The Village raced forward. In the overs after drinks, the Village scored 52 for no loss off 6.3. For those of you with a calculator will tell me the game was over. But I was there. The game ended with Skipper Cressy hitting a four. Cressy 40. EK 30.



Well, this could go a long while... They have a cradle. Which as we know is how life was formed. In the Cradle. Villagers Piled into Cradle, you might have thought that after many cradles, the thought process of the average Villager applies would change based on the situation, and congratulations on maintaining your Childlike hopeful demeanour in this increasingly cynical era, but you would be wrong. It became increasingly highly fought. However, in the interests of safety & sanity (something about my match reports...) we took a break from Nostradamus Gilo predicting the Oval Test result, to watch KP. KP, Everlasting past hero of the Village, choked away the final over as the Village watched and chanted. The tightly fought game next to ours was one we all enjoyed watching the conclusion of. However, with beer to drink Village performed 1 hand 1 bounce. Then Mosquito's occurred. With a lack of malaria pills we set off into the gloaming. a W7 later the Village separated.


Bosh, coming out of the closet to let us know that he doesn't know if he is a Batter, a Bowler or an Uncle
A Cricket Team with a rich history of PR, Journo's & People who can use words relying on a Pilot to write match reports
Love you all. Great Season. Fucking A. Love you all.

Runs 4s 6s
J de Mellow † c Extra cover b Langley 23 3 0
N Price-Thompson lbw b Edney 22 4 0
C Pitcher b Edney 6 0 0
T Hunter b Langley 0 0 0
RM Cressey * not out 40 3 4
E Gupte not out 30 6 0
G Tupper 0 0 0
NP Troja 0 0 0
A Sharma 0 0 0
E Francis 0 0 0
A Yadav 0 0 0
(Frank) Extras 8b 1lb 6nb 0p 10w 25
Total for 4 146 (26 ovs)
Bowler O M R W
Edney 7 2 27 2
G Pugh 1 0 12 0
J James 1 0 4 0
J Wood 1 0 12 0
Langley 6 0 34 2
P Verity 6 0 12 0
R Verity 4 0 35 0
Fall of Wicket
51 Price-Thompson, Nick
59 Pitcher, Chris
66 de Mellow, James
73 Hunter, Tom
Beamers CC Innings
Runs 4s 6s
R Verity b NP Troja 26 0 0
Nietscheke b T Hunter 3 0 0
Lewis b T Hunter 4 0 0
K Pittman c C Pitcher b A Yadav 55 0 0
J James c RM Cressey b E Francis 13 0 0
A Howeld b NP Troja 0 0 0
G Pugh c E Gupte b NP Troja 0 0 0
P Verity b A Sharma 16 0 0
Langley c E Gupte b E Francis 2 0 0
J Wood not out 4 0 0
Edney c J de Mellow b E Francis 8 0 0
(Frank) Extras 1b 2lb 1nb 0p 7w 11
Total all out 142 (35 ovs)
Bowler O M R W
E Gupte 4 0 32 0
E Francis 7 3 17 3
G Tupper 5 1 15 0
NP Troja 5 2 8 3
A Sharma 3 1 9 1
A Yadav 6 0 40 1
T Hunter 5 1 19 2
Fall of Wicket
7 ,
11 ,
95 ,
96 ,
108 ,
110 ,
111 ,
128 ,
129 ,
142 ,