Cloudy with a chance of swearing.
We Need To Talk About Cricket
Location: Nuclear Silo 4815162342. AKA: Fortress Parliament Hill. London, United Kingdom, Between the toilets, a cafe, & the playing fields.
Time: A constant reminder that we are all getting older. Game started at 1300.
Match Report: In response to my previous wordy report I have condensed the game into a Haiku.
Nick Gets Michelle and Ashes,
Right? For those who want a match report please read below. Also, Player GRADING!!!
The scale of player marks is as follows: 0 - a figment of my imagination, they could've been present but they might not have. 23.66589 - A good performance in some areas but needs work in others. 55.281 - Excellent, Potentially worthy of a call from international selectors. Probably Mozambique but still international cricket worthy. 78.9114 - Village. Probably average but maybe not on another day. 100 - Meh. Too many numbers.
1) Cressy. (c). 68.118. Good Captaincy. Won a rigged toss, probably only gambling win for him this year involving Village Cricketers. Solid field setting and good use of bowling options, also run out creator by not running hard enough. Outrageously unlucky to be triggered by a professional cloud botherer.
2) J-A-M-E-S. (vc). 55.280. Opened well. Kept scoring until he couldn't score no more, because he was out. An excellent 107. Great batting and the new village Steve Smith. Shocking Fantasy Football Selections though....No Sammy Watkins SMH.
3) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S87jWwzvwd8 . Morgs. (Wk). 74.3449. Still unable to finish what we all need to see him do (REDACTED). Seriously....4k Runs and he chokes...pffffhhhh. Still was playing well when bounce beat him and was excellent behind stumps. Good catch early on & finished an excellent run out.
4) Thomo. 30.112. Opened Batting. Was going very well. Looking well set until.....well. Words fail me. Slapped a wide into the welcoming arms of cover. AB FAB? Really? Missed a tight chance in the slips. But still La Furia Roja.
5) Troja. 53.9955555. Marks off for South Africa winning the Ashes. Went very AWOL when he had to umpire. Came back to bowl very beautifully, his maiden Michelle. 3 bowled, 1 caught & bowled, and an excellent appeal for LBW (he finished at 2nd slip after the appeal.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o This might have happened after his day today.
6) Pitcher. 41.6483. Came into Bat with Village Accelerating hard. He Accelerated HARDER. Good cameo. Didn't rise to the AB FAB Chat.
7) Tupper. 71.482. Batting 6, he hit his highest score for The Village, 32 not out. Good Shots for the most part. Ruined it all by bowling like a drain with even worse sledging (apologised). Got a proper cricket wicket whilst bowling but still bowled poorly compared to the rest. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBD6aQ0AMhs.
8) Piojo (Woodhouse (Louse in Spanish is Piojo)). 69.486421. A quiet day for El Piojo. Came into the attack after Troggar had taken his Michelle, so not much to do. Still managed to remove the best batsman of London Fields.
9) Eddie. 71.3664. Mixed bag for our foot and mouth victim. His usual high standards of scoring slipped when Fields failed to inform him of a bowling change. Bowled for the most part fruitlessly. However, wicket he picked up was excellent. Now level with the vacating EK in the charge for the bowling award.
10) Bosh (The DECIDER. of cricketing laws and how to apply them. HE IS THE DECIDER.) 39.99117. After many games umpiring lesser mortals than the Village, Bosh returned. Hitting hard and fast he clubbed a valuble 43. Upping the pressure as the Village built a total, he kept clubbin until he was dismissed.
11) Anupam (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faqDGGg39Jo.) 47.4418. Opened the bowling with accuracy, movement and skill. Gathered a wicket and also had several chances missed by a whisker. Pick of the non-troja bowlers. Excellent spell but not sure he would look good in a bikini.
12) Phil Neville. 0.
Having 'won' the toss and 'elected' to bat. Skipper Cressy sent forth the mighty La Furia Roja and J-A-M-E-S to open the batting. After many efforts of playing at Nuclear Silo 4815162342, La Furia Roja confidently predicted uneven bounce and movement. Opening up for London (calling) Fields was Muffi. Bowling an assortment of deliveries, he started asking questions of the Village Openers. These questions tended towards the line of leave it for a wide or hit it for runs, but still questions were being asked. Opening from the other end was Alexs D. Bowling Left Arm Over, he caused a kerfuffle when J-A-M-E-S asked for the sight screen to be moved. The Fields were unamused by such a banal request but it still was moved into a more suitable position. With Miami Vice in his usual position of chipping a drive to a fielder, surely London (calling) Fields would have an opportunity to dispatch an opener or two.
As the Village settled into their innings with La Furia Roja beginning to nudge and nurdle his way forward, & J-A-M-E-S looking for his favoured drive, the fields of London (London Fields) were gifted a golden chance. Skipper of Vice failed to make enough connection on a drive and the ball spooned towards deep cover. However, the London Fields Fielder decided to drop the ball instead of the easier option of catching it. Thus reprieved, the languid lefty was able to continue on his merry way. With Muffi generating the afore mentioned irregular bounce the Village seemed content to keep the scoreboard moving. Whilst Villagers enjoyed the sun and the efforts of the openers, the opposing London Fields captain fiddled with his Field, in London. Constantly stuck with players who neither remembered where they were standing a ball earlier or could figure out the difference between left and right handed batsmen, it was shaping up to be a long day in the Field in London for London Fields.
With Muffi now taking a well earned break, Fields shuffled their bowling to produce a Skinner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V8nl8v24cQ). Offering up spin in the form of both off and leg spin, the tweaker would change the pace of the game for both sides. Unfortunately for London Fields (etc etc etc...many fields in London. 47% of London is green space..presumably including Fields.) Skinner was dispatched for 48 from only 5 overs as both openers took a liking to the offerings and kept the scoreboard moving, this raised the possibility of two century partnerships in a row. However, with the Scoreboard constantly shifting position, La Furry Red took matters into his own hands. The ball was essentially placed somewhere near glasgow by skinner, with the option of leaving it and thus gaining 1 run for Frank, the Red Fury smote the ball straight into the willing fielders hands. Dismissed for 19. This brought El Capitano Cressy to the crease. Taking a watchful stance he would begin to start his innings. However, his vice captain was more than willing to hog the strike and thus get the Village towards drinks with only 1 wicket down. Having replaced both opening bowlers with spinners, London Fields were hoping for more luck before drinks as well. Stuart, the new bowler, bowled an off-break. Cressy got well forward. Ball hit Pad. Umpires Finger went up. Cressy was out, vowing revenge on the inept umpire who had apparently triggered him (Me. I was the Umpire. I could say all sorts in the match report but I've got my own REDACTED). Thus Village entered the drinks break two down.
With drinks taken and the umpires summarily replaced (can't think why) THE DECIDER (Bosh) and J-A-M-E-S (James) went out again to produce what hopefully would be a match winning total. The game continued much as before. Fields ineptly shuffling their fielders and James taking full advantage. The highlight of this was when the Captain loudly and clearly stated 'no fielders behind square on the offside'. Duely warned, James reverse swept until the error was corrected. Bosh, eschewing the need for subtlety, began clubbin. A series of mighty blows went to the fence, as yet again, Fields failed to stop the runs. James batting excellently kept the pressure up. Moving past the magical 3 figures (20/9...) he reached his second ever 100 for the Village. With chants of make it a daddy (Natch) he was eventually beaten by a combination of tiredness and a good ball from Alex D. This brought Morgan to the crease. Needing but a few runs for the totemic total of 4k runs for the Village, Morgan began watchfully.
With overs ticking by the Village worked towards the 250 mark. Sadly this was achieved by Olly gettting a shooter to be dismissed for 9. This brought the jet-lagged striker Tupper to the crease. With Bosh and Gilo at the crease but more importantly, Cressy Umpiring, there were clearly options for London 47% to take wickets. However, with the Decider telling the cloud-botherer to keep his head down, Bosh and FINGER-RAISER-IN-CHIEF, started connecting with the ball. Remarkably with London 47% contributing 5 runs to the Cloud botherer, Bosh & Tupper put on 43 vitally quick runs in 6 overs. With Bosh looking to keep clubbin, he sadly clubbed one to the stratosphere, when it arrived towards terra firma, the catch was taken. After many months without actually playing cricket Bosh was out for 43. This brought C Pitcher. The Finisher. The destroyer of figures. The Andy Caddick Look-a-like to the crease. Swinging like a pro at an Orgy, Pitcher scored at a over 200%, blasting his way to 12 from 5. This coupled with Tupper scoring his highest ever knock for the Village, left the total at 260. Formidable.
London (Calling) Fields Innings:
Having started the usual mind games of catching practice & winding Troggar up about the Ashes. The Village were fired up and ready for the contest, with 47% needing 6.5 runs an over it was going to be a hard fought game. Skipper Cressy looked at his options, rolled a dice, and then chose Tupper and Anupam (Tits, Baywatch, Something involving Ab Fab...sodding Aston Villa fans). Tupper duly entered into the spirit of cricket by bowling a wide and a rank long hop. Sadly for Turner his 3rd ball was legit. An away swinger was nicked and Morgs gleefully took the catch. Hasselhoff opened beautifully, with flowing black hair and glorious REDACTED, he grabbed an LBW. Trapping Tuimoar for 0. Sadly for Cressy the need for control ran into his Ginger opening bowler inability to control his line, length and ultimately his temper. With Pammy bowling well from one end, Tupper leaked runs from the other. After deciding to elaborately question batsman Alexander's technique, Tupper generated a mixture of pace and irregular bounce. Morgan doing exceptionally well to stop the wides and the peashooters. Tupper was eventually hoicked from the bowling role, having delivered 5-25-1. Tits eventually finished with 6-22-1. What might be missed is the several edges, which tantalised both tits and fielders.
With Anger Management issues consigned to the deep, TCFKAT (hey read other match reports...) entered the assualt on London Fields batting line-up. Starting as any self-respecting Australian (British) would with a loose delivery carted for 4. Troggar immediately and decisively turned the game. His second ball cleaned up Ruby Tuesday (Sodding handwriting.) before removing probably Socialist Tristan Jones with the 6th ball of his over. Both bowled. With Cressy reading his form book, he called into the spin-based-frenzy Eddie Francis. With Eddie pushing for the bowling award there was an opportunity to gain a decisive lead over EK, for this most excellent of awards. However, blocking his progress towards said trophy would be Troja. Fired up by the excellent leg breaks of Australian (South African) Labuschagne at Old Trafford and also paid by EK to take wickets, Torja would begin to cause havok. Taking two more wickets before drinks, that of Sayer & Skinner. Sayer LBW to the wrong-un and MASSIVE APPEAL for 7. Skinner C&B By Troja for 0. With the drinks break occurring, Thirsty Villagers took on the required fluids and cigarettes. Whilst this was happening, Skipper Cressy debated the benefits of changing his bowling attack.
Commencing play after the interval, Cressy had replaced TRC with El Piojo. The Louse coming on to work his magic. Starting strongly he held up an end whilst Troja could finally climb that mountain and claim his Michelle. With set batsmen Alexander and Mufti (Really?), He was forced to work hard to achieve his dream of a 5fer. However, in his 6th over, having previously disappeared for a 6 & a 4 the balls previously, he skipped a ball through Mufti and completed his life's work. With Villagers ecstatic at an Australian taking wickets (as if we didn't see this enough in our lives.) Cressy did the right and noble thing, he hoicked the antipodean to bring back Eddie. With London (Calling) Fields now 7 down for less than 100 runs it seemed inevitable that the Village would gather the win. However, Alexander was well placed and looked like the only speed hump in the Village's path. Standing tall amongst the wreckage of the 47% innings on 57 he was in a position to seriously derail the Village. Unfortunately for him, El Piojo bowled him. This would ultimately allow El Piojo to finish on 4-21-1. Whilst Woodhouse had removed the dangerous placed opening bat, Eddie took the opportunity to spin one past the hard hitting Troy. With Troy out for 20. The Village assumed the usual aggressive fielding positions. It was in the 27th over, when with Bell and D at the crease, a miracle occured. Bell hit a ball through the covers, Cressy gave chase. However, the canny Captain gambled on the ambition of the batsmen, sauntering towards the ball he allowed the hope of a second run. With Fields (London) needing runs and dreams for a win, they tried the second. With an accurate throw and a great take, the innings ended. Fields all out 147.
Village win by 113.
SESH: Pitcher bought bubbles & the Vine didn't have Sky. Need we say more?