Qui Vive Cricket Club won the toss and elected to bat
VILLAGE TOUR - SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN
‘Cricket squad’ struck with fever following Dutch spill
A large group of London tourists, masquerading as a cricket team called ‘The Village CC’, have been involved in a serious boating accident with at least two people drowning and many more injured.
The incident took place on the canals of Amsterdam during King’s Day, or Koningsdag as it is known locally, when a beer-laden barge full of drunken revellers tipped over for no apparent reason.
Two women reportedly drowned but several males aged between 25 and 35 were dragged from the water only to suffer from possible Typhoid fever for the next three days.
Typhoid fever is a serious disease spread by contaminated liquids, such as water or beer. Symptoms include high fevers, dizziness, weakness, and stomach pains – it is known to UK medics as drunkenness.
One eyewitness told Dutch Brexit pin up Tim de Wit: “It was insane, one was wearing a German shirt and doing a Hitler salute and yelling ‘four world cups mate’, the others were in the traditional orange but holding more lager in each hand then they had fingers.
“Then it just tipped over when all the men starting peeing off one side of the boat at the same time. I could tell it was freezing.”
Update: The women did not drown, and the men have returned safely to the UK via a number of separate rescue flights.
Australian makes world record attempt on ‘longest doobie’
South Australian, Joe Mangle, aged 45, is the latest man to take on the challenge of smoking ‘enough weed to sink a tanker’ in a bid to set the record for the longest doobie in history.
Trying to take the 13-year-old record from Indian philanthropist Dev Patel proved to be a toke too far however, as the Fosters-swilling former batsman succumbed to a large handful of very cheesy Doritos.
‘Fake bouncers’ put Amsterdam nightspots on alert
A sharp rise in the number of ‘fake bouncer’ incidents over the bank holiday has caused concern amongst senior police officers in the Dutch capital.
Reports suggest that a small number of Australian and Asian men are cavorting around pubs and bars in Amsterdam fooling 18-year-old girls into thinking they are employed as door staff.
Dirk Kite, owner of Bar Bukowski, said: “I saw two of them do it. They asked girls for ID, then when it was produced they commented on how ‘cute’ they were. I had sick in my own mouth.
“When I approached them, they quickly jumped into the back of an Uber with another Asian man and a guy dressed like a 1980s New York Yankee. I think they were heading for the city centre.”
Police are appealing for witnesses.
Peep show price rises ‘not in line with quality’
British tourists travelling to Amsterdam’s red light district have voiced concerns over a recent price hike for peep shows.
Many establishments have raised their fees from one euro to two euros – sparking a number of protests from regular punters.
One man, who only wanted to be referred to as ‘Bosh’, said: “The prices are ridiculous now, they’ve shot themselves in the foot, and in the tit. For that extra euro you’d expect a full sex show with a warm up act of the boys from Blue singing All Rise – not some 64-year-old crawling around on her hands and knees in her pants.”
Dutch trading standards have said they will look into the issue later in the spring, but officials have called for a full inquiry.
Double centurion chain smoker set to triumph in man of the year award
What’s the secret of long life? A Dutch man may have found the answer; cigar smoking and spraying lighter fluid at people.
202-year-old cricket groundsman Paul Polak (we think that’s what he’s called) has not only made an early bid for man of the year 2017, but for the best man ever.
With a string of 1980s themed gags, some brave barbecuing, and a telling smirk, the old man of VRA wowed tourists this weekend by showing his knowledge of cooking meat in an entertaining way.
Spraying yet more lighter fluid at Welshman Ollie Morgans, Mr Polak spoke through his unlit Cuban cigar. “I’ve seen it all here,” he said. “Even Chris Lewis taking wickets.”
Top news anchor helps to launch culture drive
In celebrity news, Dutch icon and journalist Tim de Wit lent his support to a new dancing and drinking venture, called a nightclub, in central Amsterdam at the weekend.
Stopping to pose for photos with door staff and sign his name on women’s breasts, the heart throb danced until the early hours with several hangers on before leaving to consume chips smothered in various different sauces.
And finally, in sport…
Village CC manged two wins from two on their Amsterdam adventures, defeating VRA’s The Zamigo’s by 46 runs, before manoeuvring past Qui Vive with a seven-wicket victory.
At VRA on Friday, Village were restricted to 121 all out off 32 overs, Dan Slevison (37) and Ollie Morgans (22) top scoring. However, a rousing fielding and bowling performance blitzed out Zamigo’s for 75, Naz Choudhury with 3-20 and Bilal Husain 4-14, Richard Cressey chipping in with 2-4. Sharp catching from Toby de Mellow and Nick Thompson in the slips. Bilal also got a run out, enough said.
Thompson and Cressey shuffled the pack for Saturday and used 9 bowlers, not including Troja who stayed in his jeans all day.
An electric start reduced Qui Vive to 50 for 5, thanks again to Bilal who returned 6-25, before a good recovery from the hosts posted 208 from their allotted 35 overs. Richard Cressey also picking up 2-15.
Opening up, the Village de Mellow brotherhood saw off IPL wannabee Atul, before Dan Slevison set about the bowling in grim conditions to post a magnificent match-winning 106, supported by Bosh (54) and EK (26no).
Player of the tour was a democratic affair, with a classic blind vote at a hip burger joint.
Bilal Husain, who took 10 wickets on tour, was the overwhelming winner, with Ian from Que Vive coming a close second.