Nice and sunny, getting darker later, as it will tend to do. Good wicket for batting with a bit of assistance for the seamers (contrary to appearances).

2020s have long been a bit of a problem for the Village. It’s a fairly simple issue: we all want to play them, but in order to do so we have to leave the office at about 5.30, and as we’re mostly high-flying, incredibly successful career men that can be a bit of a tall order. Most of the teams we’ve played in the past have got round this by having an amenable boss, in many cases one who also captains said team and usually gets to open the batting and bowling as a result.

These teams are usually well-drilled units comprised of the very best cricketers said boss can round up from his office, and they’ve generally smashed us. For our part we’ve usually turned up with three regular Villagers who’ve pulled a sicky and whoever we’ve managed to rope in – usually obscure folk musicians, old men who’ve retired and don’t mind missing The Archers or blokes who were told they were coming to play five-a-side football.

So this was to be our only 2020 of 2010, and the ringer count was actually rather low – just the two in fact. Anyway, our assembled team arrived in Tooting at the home ground of the National Audit Office to find a pitch that bore an unnerving resemblance to the Rec , with the nightmare combination of patchy green grass in the middle, and bare topsoil at the ends. As it happened, it played about a million times better than Albert Road’s finest, though quite why this was the case is a little beyond this author. Perhaps Dr Page could set to work on a paper on the subject.

Admittedly we still only had 10 because it transpired that Naz’s preposterously fast car was having problems, but this didn’t put captain for the day the Example off inserting them. Your author took the new ball with Ringer no. 1 Sarwar, who bowled some rather waspish little away swingers from the top end and eventually finished with 4 overs 1-13. At the other end his opening partner was attempting to put into practise everything he’d learned from watching England’s recent 2020 performances, and his combination of inswing, outswing, slower bouncers and back of the hand balls were of course being dispatched with relish by the depressingly competent openers, what with them generally coming out as full tosses and long hops.

Things didn’t exactly improve with the introduction of the Louse, who within a couple of overs had been forced to adopt a field with three men on the leg side boundary, or rather near the leg side boundary, for two of them (who will remain nameless) had decided that he was being tonked with so much ease that it would be easier for everyone if they simply took their positions 10 yards over the boundary line so that they wouldn’t have to do quite so much hunting of the ball in the long grass.

Never let it be said that the Louse isn’t a master tactician, however, and in just a few balls he’d managed to get rid of both openers (because they’d had to retire). After that, he managed to put the breaks on and snaffle some middle order wickets – one to a great catch standing up behind the stumps by Pontin, the other bowled by a jaffa. At the other end Rampant Badger Will Scott Gall was bowling a bit better than his figures suggest, but the Example had kept a surprise for the bean counters up his sleeve in the shape of the two Village bowlers least likely to get spanked somewhere in the general direction of Balham tube: himself and C-Pitch. Both finished off the innings superbly, Ek with some superb variations of pace, Discharge with his by-now standard unplayable inswingers on a perfect length. 151 for the bloated public sector workers: a decent total on a pitch that still offered the seamers and spinners something.

Potty and Ringer no. 2 Shahid strode out to open the innings. Obviously the thought of Potty playing 2020 cricket had most of the team in fits and some rather cruel predictions about his partner’s score in relation to his own were being made (many of which did come true, particularly the one about him having three times more runs than him after five overs) but credit must be given where it’s due. The dour fake Scotsman paced the anchor role as predictably as a Del Amitri song, retiring out in around the 12^th over and providing support for both Naz and Shahid as they both smashed the ball around with some extremely elegant shots. Potty found the time to play some rather dashing strokes himself, one of which even flew over cover, but the best of which was a crunching straight drive past the bowler – as in a proper drive, not the renowed Pontin cross-court filth through mid on (attempts during the game to find a proper neologism for this shot were unsuccessful).

(A side note: oddly, it appears that the rules have been changed on the website’s stats page and it appears that a ‘retired out’ in a 2020 is now to be treated as a ‘not out’. I can’t for the life of me think what’s prompted this revision of the rules.)

In between all this uncharacteristically good batting the Village kept up some tradition as self-appointed VCC batsman of the year Molly Organs missed out, playing back to one he should have been forward to, reward for the hard-working Headley who, along with the other NAO bowlers, actually bowled very well – the seamers kept up a good pace and a tight line, and the spinners weren’t too bad either.

Your author came out to join Naz with something like 6 an over off the last five needed, which wouldn’t be too tense for most teams, but on recent form when it comes to tight finishes it probably made us plucky underdogs. Sadly for the NAO their leggie decided he’d take a gamble by giving a few some air and waiting for the author to miss a straight one. Generally quite a safe bet, but it wasn’t his day and two sixes and a four off one over rather ruined his figures and pretty much decided the contest. The persevering Hughes ended the author’s decent innings as he once again decided to go for something pre-meditated, couldn’t make his mind up as to which incompetent Eoin Morgan impression he was going to attempt and finished up copying Olly Morgan(s) instead.

There were still time for some jitters as the leggie’s bravery in continuing to give it air did for Scott Gall, but some chap called Lucarotti who I think has played for us before finished the job with a great straight drive that now means he has more runs than wickets.

All in all a great performance, perhaps more with the bat but we bowled pretty well and fielded ok-ish, and extremely well lead by Eklavya. Perhaps his only error came at the end: as we left the field a whole group of Asian guys who’d been patiently waiting for the pitch to become free came on with a plastic ball and proceeded to sling it at each other at about 100mph. KP would have tapped them up within 30 seconds. The pub was a fleeting visit but amusement was to be found in the giant version of C-Pitch working in the kitchen.

Man of the Match is a tough one – Shahid, Potty and Naz batted superbly, Sarwar bowled really well but I’m giving it to Ek, and not just for an excellent spell with the ball. Captaincy’s an underrated part of the game and in 2020 it’s especially important – given we won with an over to spare it looks like he made the right calls all the way through.

Village idiot – Not easy. The Louse certainly bought his wickets at something less than a discount rate, the author’s bowling was a little hit and miss plus ca change, but the two front runners have to be Oliver Morgans for once again flopping against good bowlers this season, and Naz for his David Ireland impression. Neither of them quite fit the bill though, so I’m giving it to the NAO number 8 for falling arse over tit after attempting a reverse sweep – a standard of 2020 shot only one step up from the Dilscoop into the face.